I need fogiveness

I can't think anymore today since about 3 o'clock.

I truly realized now that I am working in a serious business. I've learned the magnitude of my job and the risks involving the mining environment.

It' slapped me in the face this afternoon, but it just started to burned now.

I risked someones life today and I shouldn't take things so lightly.

And I will always have a restless heart until I apologize personally to him.

Interrogated and psychologically tested

I just had another job interview a few weeks back. It was a strange experience I tell you. I actually declined the job at first, thinking I still owe a project to the company I'm currently working with. But my ex boss who offered said that I will always owe something to the company I'm working with. True! So, I submitted my resume, thinking there are a lot more candidates qualified for the job. None the less, I got called in to do an interview.

Usually I prepare myself as charming as possible when attending an interview, not to mention all dressed up and stuff. But this time, I really didn't have the urge to. I wore something that I usually would wear to work, and trust me it's not you everyday work ensemble. I didn't want to nail the job as much as I want it if it were mine. You know what I mean right?

So there I was, pinning up my bag since it broke when I tried to get there. At the point where my bag broke, I lost all ego and let my hair down. I goofed off with the tukang ojeg, I kid around with the door guard, had philosophical talks with a warung owner, but still didn't like the office receptionists. I entered the so called fancy green simplicity decor office and felt intimidated. I became nervous realizing that I was going to meet corporate people which I usually do not like their judgement and tend to be stiff. I'm so use to small companies and small families that are made within them. I was alarmed by the possibility of facing a rejection that can hurt my ego for the next few days.

I sat there filling an application form as any fresh graduate would do. I thought... WTH??? When can I be signed without all this mumbo jumbo? It ached more when I realized that I had to sit there and wait another 30 minutes. Feeling that all of this is a bunch of crap, I lost respect for the company. I thought, who needs who here? I'm not lookin for a job, but they're looking for an officer. So I gained back confidence and didn't care everytime the receptionist girl glanced my way with a sneer... hehehehe yes I'm exaggerating. But I'm no conflict seeker, so I sat there and waited, curious how long my wait will be. Surprisingly, my confidence dropped again seeing there were 3 people interviewing me. I felt ambushed.

They put me on the stand and started to ask me questions. I answered them as neccesary as possible, not as charming as I usually try to. Intimidated again, reminded that interviews are sometimes like interrogations. After being asked a few questions, I found their slot. Two of these men were field workers and no matter what they will always hate the boring predictable un-confident answers. So I loosen up, becoming me that works in the field. Again, this was easy considering I was half hearted to take the job anyways, I had nothing to loose. And from this point on, everything was OK. I didn't feel like they were any superior, just people, and we had a few laughs.

After that I didn't really care what happen next, may I be called back or not. But I tell you, an interview this far in the business feels strange even though I have such minimum experience... or maybe is it, an interview in this age feels strange??? Whatever it was, it was wierd because I felt so superior in my own company, I thought I knew it all! When in fact I knew shit outside of the company. It must be even stranger for guys that have more experience to still be interviewed.

I long for the day I will be hired without an interview. Where I will be so good at what I do, people would be line to hijack me. Wait... there's a call... I have to do a psychological test? &^**&&^%$$#%#$%

I started to fill in the test the way they wanted me to fill it. These tests have a formula, and we all know it right? But by the 3rd question I gave up. It was too hard to keep up what they wanted so I filled it carelessly.

I felt psychologically violated in this test. I was asked whom I was and what I prefer. I hated the moral test. It's such a dilema. The most hated question was... "chose one: suck up to the boss, or be weak only be accepted with you collegues". This question came up about 5 times and I swear it gave me the hardest time evertime I came across it. First shot I tried to answered (again) according to HRD demands, but once I found the question the next time, I suddenly took it seriously and started to compare my boss and my peers... guess what I answered?!
I finally realized that I wasn't happy with this question and wished there was a third option. Life can not be categorized as a psychological test where answers are not as sharp as a cookie cutter, although problems are as cut throat as it is. I loved all the math and drawing questions. But don't give me the moral test, I don't have the heart.

I felt that flunk by the time I finished the test. I realize that I have changed in the past years work wise, and I have passed the test and interview differently as I would a few years back. So did I get the job or not? We would have to see... I haven't had a call back yet. But if not, I'm good, for I finished this entry in the hills of Wetar Island, while downloading from the weather station, amongst the sounds of birds singing, the drilling gear, and the mist of humid soil after a light rain. Not to mention feeling superior in this small company.


21 Dec 2009:

I've had some things come on to mind and ... some things happening ever since I blogged this (which isn't that long a go)... I've changed my mind. Maybe I want that job offer :P

How sci-fi queers and answers on match make in heaven

I've been very open to meet single guys lately, none other reason than to seek my spouse to be. It's getting a bit boring living single all the time you know... anyways! Just trying to open up opportunities ... and so far... none have succeeded.

I can't help but wonder, if there are so many great single guys and gals around me, and still within my closest circle, why can't they match up? Or should I match them up? Why am I not matched up? If they do match, shouldn't the universe do that without my help?

What does this mean?

Are we, single guys and gals, all just broken locks and keys to heart aches and principles? Will we ever meet our match? Unless, the broken locks meet the broken key so specifically that their cracks match perfectly? Are we so broken that we need more effort to find 'the one'? As the movie "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" would imply... the question to be answered by the ultimate answer to all question about life, universe, and everything is ... Is she/he the one? (Love the movie by the way!)


When people get divorce, would that mean that they add another crack in their lock and key, or are they so broken they can open up any lock?

Or is the ultimate answer to all question about life, universe, and everything is again answerd by the sci-fi movie "The Matrix"? By answering.... 'Because I choose to'?

A mystery, it remains!

Happy Hands and Feet

Twas the 30th of October 2009,
and a big was about to happen that night.
After work through the dreaded jam,
between the hustle bustle and screwed up things,
ambiance wasn't what was to seek,
but the act of Slank and the Ting Tings.

A little yucky poem to open up my entry about dancing.
There I was, ready to watch one of the best new artist around... The Ting Tings. A bonus, I might add, was the Slank charity concert before it. I've never watched them live before. There is no doubt in my mind, SLANK CURRENTLY IS THE BEST BAND IN INDONESIA!!! Their music is HOT and so is their performance, no matter how much false teeth they have all together hehehehe...


Anyways... standing at the tribune, all piled up somewhere near the stairs, me and my friends (Vira and Leci) awaits these new comers. I was really curious if they were 2 people and whether thet had additional players...They didn't. Seeing them rock (yes, I think they rock in the lifestyle definition even) on stage, kinda made me imagine where they came from. I bet you they started somewhere in the basement or garage and had this musical vision that no one else shared. They struggled from bar to bar or online until one day a producer discovered them. I guess they usually hang out with their usual friends, people like you and me, and how their friends always support them through every gig. They would be just slightly odd compared to their compadres, but it's so subtle that you would notice until you talk to them. And in parties and gigs, they would be dancing!

Photo courtesy of Vira

By the time they started the 3rd song, the area around me started to loosen. I think the girl besides me felt so annoyed by my ridiculous over the top dancing (compared to most Indonesians) and my super screams in her ear. I can tell because every time I did something, she would smirk at me and say something to her friend... ah well, more room for me :D! So once these (I think) high school girls ran away from me... all hell break loose! Now again, I'm 29 and proud to say so, and I'm dancing like a 13 year old. Why?

1. I LOVE DANCING!!! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!!!
2. There's room
3. Concerts are celebration of music
4. It's high appreciation towards the performer (and appropriate for this particular performer to be exact)
5. The lights are dim and I probably don't know these people anyways...

Now here comes my point. I have concluded that I am disappointed in the Jakarta crowd when it comes to enjoying music. I come from Bandung, a city that is drowned by music appreciators, and I can only say that Jakarta's crowd is not as enthusiast as the Bandung scene. Bandung people dance! Now I don't know if Jakarta people don't know how to move, or they didn't know much about the band, or they think their outfit, their age, or their prestige is too precious, but the gestures seems to be too homogenize for a city with such diverse people.

As people that claim to be highly educated, too bad they've never learned anything about performing. When performing, it's thrilling when you know your audience is enjoying your act and showing it. It could be in various gestures: applause, standing ovation, head banging, toe tapping, or like me, dancing way crazy. To make things shorted, I believe the Ting Tings would love to see their crowd dance. How would I know? BECAUSE THEY CONSTANTLY ASKS US TOO. And for that, and point numero uno, I did! I don't know what y'all elite people think about it but this is my appreciation towards this struggling band. Even Katie (the girl) constantly moved through her songs, and she never ever ever stopped. Unlike some of us that was too proud.

Keep up, falling, these heels they keep me boring
Getting glammed up and sitting on the fence no
-That's not my name, The Ting Tings-

It sad to think that the Ting Tings had to perform infront of an uptight corporate socialite crowd, and it's ironic that their lyrics actually critique their audience. 3/4 way of the show people around us started to dance. Yes, better late than never, but too bad because I think they missed out on a great opportunity to be foolish without being misplaced. I heart the Ting Tings. Please come back soon!!

I did peek in to the act of Tortured Soul. A loungy kinda sound. And some people were dancing... wait... they were foreigners and drunks... ah well better drunk that concious then hehehehe...

In the end, I will always choose to dance, no matter if I'm 29, 37, or 53 and dancing with my grandchildren (amin). Let it be in concerts, in my car, on site at a dodgy karaoke bar, with my friends, or just alone at home. Although I'm not that looney to dance in the streets alone, I'm not afraid to bob around to the music from my earphone.

But wait.... there is something that I realize while waving my hands around up in the air. I realize that my future boyfriend or husband hopefuly has a great appreciation towards music, thus to my dancing. Or he at least understands my point of view. He doesn't have to move like me but I hope he shows some appreciation towards the performer. And I will always understand whatever his choice of gesture may be, for at least he has the guts to stand beside me :D

Growth over night

I never knew how grown up I am.


I was on a trip one weekend and suddenly I see myself differently in the pictures taken. It was taken by a super cool camera, the kind that gives you sharp results. I saw that my face was no longer carefree no matter how hard I try. I was just older. Never thought that that day came... the day I admit that I'm older. Age is no longer just a change of number, it's droop of acceptance in my eye lids.

As I see myself, I see time, patience, acceptance, selfishness, tiredness, boredom, maturity, disturbance, ignorance, care, ... choices and choosing, consequences and plans and everything all mixed up.

Not trying to drag my friends down with me but, I can see that they have aged with me too. We've been friends for 10 years now, and our faces have definitely changed. Not all show the same change, it’s one way or the other.

And I’ve also come to realize this seeing other friends now. People that I see daily or even rarely. I thought it was a change only to those living in Jakarta. You know? …because of the stress. That’s not the case it seems. All of my friends have different faces now. We have all evolved.

So, I should be able to define old since I have defined it in myself and my friends (according to me that is). Being older I think is about experience and choices and how you face and deal with it. If I see myself as older now, that would probably mean that I have admitted to having more experience and I now am less ignorant of the implications it has to my life, I'm affected by it. Maybe I should consider it as mature, but honestly it’s something different. I see an older version of my face. But so be it. I’m older now. And hopefully I will grow old gracefully.

Too add to that, it’s been a while since we had a trip like this. Went to the gate of Gede-Pangrango National Park and crashed in the volunteer office there. A small bamboo weaved house with wooden floors. We came in about 12 am in the cold dark night, and just chit chat away then slowly snoozing to bed. Waking up to a fresh morning air, peed and brushed out teeth with super cold water (I didn’t mention bath hey? In defense, we were in a hurry), and with blasted dangdut music from the distance park. It was a deep sleep, even though it was on the floor, that I don’t really experience a lot in Jakarta. Then headed home caught in the open-closed gate system of Puncak. It ended in Naynay’s (Ninins niece) 3rd birthday party with some singing and dancing. All and all it was a night and day that wasn’t planned, required a lot of energy, but resulted in a really great weekend. It’s been a while since we did this, and I’m glad we did! For no matter how old we were, turns out we’re still not too old for the surprise of uncertain circumstances.

In the name of love for Indonesia's creation

Wore my Batik scarf as an obi.
My batik was from Pekalongan. The pattern was a modification of 'tambalan' pattern.
Still trying to be, as my friend Tari would put it, an 'eccentric wannabe'. Refuse to be the same as everyone hehehehe...
Almost everyone who I assume has internet access, wore Batik today. Plus those who are obliged to wear them (schools, offices, etc).

Does it really have to take another nation (Malaysia) to remind how precious our culture is? I heart this nation and all it's creation.

HAPPY BATIK DAY!

Will there ever be a happy Makassar weaving cloth day? (I wan't my root cultured creation to be loved by the whole country too)

I forgivr blogger.com

WTF? Why can't I publish my last blog? What's goin on? I put a lot of thought in to it and now I can't publish it. Ohgggrr... Good thing it's Idul Fitri... I forgive you blogger.com Huaaaaaaa :((

Feeling a little ambitiousless...

I think I dropped my edge somewhere... I seem to have lost it. I can feel how very much stable my life is and how it is becoming (again) fulfilled with superficial wanting. I think I have given up to the established world since I can just live through it without any substantial problems. Not that I want any, but I do miss some rush. I also miss ambitions, and as Sally analyzes it, the lack of any is caused by my steady life at the moment. There is nothing to fight for, or to be exact nothing that I want to fight for.

Yeah I have a job to do, but is so so at the moment. Yeah I’m still mad at countless issues and antics of the world, but I've failed to have a strong argument and vast outlook, thus succeeding in having such a narrow mind. Am I claiming to have an open mind in the past? Not necessarily, I would like to at least say I try to be. I think, this use to be one of my edges, being able to see another side of things than others.

I don’t appreciate too much music anymore, nor movies, nor books, nor news. I’ve become ignorant and lazy. I have forgotten how much money I wanted to access so many resources in the past. I’m trying to remember what I wanted while I was in college. Hmmff… I can't really figure out what to do with my money now other than to buy superficial things that does not better myself (well maybe better myself a bit, but physically), my spirituality, moreover the world. I think, when people reach this stage, the back door is to just donate money without actually thinking about a better solution or to think of the consequences of such donation?

One symptom that I realize of this loss is that I don't have anything to browse about. I have less curiosity. A whole world is at the tip of my fingers but I have nothing to seek. Even the effortless Facebook can’t help me here,… 5 minutes is enough. Isn't that just pathetic?

Why do I need an edge anyways? The edge makes me feel better. To some extent, it can also make me a selfish pig. But it’s this edge that I find satisfying answers which I can make peace to myself. And although many definitely wouldn’t consider it an edge… it’s definitely much ‘sharper’ than this bland state I’m in.

Have I become that person, who just works without a dream or ambition even for the next day? So established that there is nothing else to seek and that the world is a better place to live in (well it is anyways as I believe). I've seen so many examples around me so I guess it's a phase in life. But seeing the examples there is... some have failed to step out of it. Hiiiiiii... now that's scary... I hope I can get out of mine soon... I gotta find an ambition...

But I can tell you this, after 10 minutes of trying to remember one ambition, I finally found it. I envy those oriental parts of the world having boybands, making the local girls crazy about the native skin… and the biggest boyband to date… SUPER JUNIOR with 13 personals. Love their single and video "Sorry Sorry Sorry". Why can’t we make one? I still am a bit ambitious… may I even say obsessed to make a successful Indonesian boyband :D (now how would I do that?)

The different kind

I don't see myself as photogenic. I don't really see me as cute, pretty or beautiful in pictures even if I try. Sometimes I get good pics, most of the time not as hoped, ah well... So most of the time I make faces, because there is no point of making the same faces in each picture anyways... you don't see the ambiance of the moment.



But I do like the girl I see everyday in the mirror. Not so in the morning, because for some reason my eyes can't seem to have that morning freshness. I definitely am a nocturnal being. Coming back to what I was saying... no matter how ugly I make faces in the mirror, I like what I see. Thank God, I can accept it and I'm very happy with what I got. Yeah there are the occasional zits, sun burns, and bad hair days, but overall that don't bother me THAT much.

Now working in the east part of Indonesia shows me much about what beauty is about. You really see different characters of faces, and what people try to look like. The east Indonesia is dominated by Melanesian African looks. And for these people, they were born like this, and they can't help them selves. So very different especially with the west of Indonesia being more melanesian oriental look. Sometimes honestly, I see them as ugly, and pity comes in. And at these moments I ask my self why do I think they're ugly and why do I pity them? It's not like they have a choice to be born as such. What would I want them to look like? Pleasant looking? What's that? .... desperate need of a reality check here!!!






From top to bottom: Benzelina and her mom, a little local girl, Maskur, wife of Paa, Charles, Amas and Carlos. Amas and Maskur are siblings. Aren't they so good looking? ;P

Lately, after seeing so many eastern friends, due to the festive nature of our upcoming Independence day, I realize that I can't see them as ugly; and I musn't. Looking closer, I could see how good looking these people are. The girls are exotic and the guys are handsomely raw. Just different. I can see that with the characteristics they have, they can be beautiful as hell in their own way.
I remember when I was in Sydney. Looking at so much Caucasians made me realize, there is no way Indonesian beauty or what ever that maybe, can be compared to Caucasian beauty. They are just made to be delicate! Light skin, blue/green eyes, with features that you just can't beat. And most of them are just good looking even though if they are considerate as moderate. I've come to realize that I too was consumed by western beauty as a standard. And that pageants are just absurd when it comes to comparing beauty standard... hence Miss Indonesia that can not speak Indonesia nor does she know much about Indonesia *sigh*.

This is where globalization becomes very scary. People just wanna be beautiful with different understanding, I dare not say miss for who am I to judge what is missed and what is not. There are countless locals with bonded hair, facial power 3 tones lighter than their skin tone, which is a no no, and fashion worn that does not flatter their body shapes. But it's their choice, I respect that. I just hoped there will be more awareness towards this. I guess the Caucasian beauty rules the urban world at the moment, but hopefully there will come a time where all beauty is appreciated as the Benetton add. We are just different! To this I salute Benetton.



I also realize another point of what traveling is all about. It's seeing more things, understand how mailable the world is. I don't know if we should have more tolerance or not?! But we should have more respect for different conditions and different decisions that people make. Without traveling and seeing these difference, we become more narrow minded. And I advice anyone to just take a step to a direction that you have never have before.

But of course, some have their own 'personal standards' which they tend to keep hehehe... HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!



PS: on this note I would like to salute to Gelar, my friend here hired to teach English and reading. He has seen more since he is amongst the locals. He speaks their language and understands a their jokes. And he definitely understands the people more no matter what his personal opinion is towards them.

When you're really creative...

Me and Aji was just sitting around the house one night and he happen to have a great idea... What if phones was the shape of a mini rice cooker? Wouldn't that be sooo cute? Don't believe me?


This is when you receive a phone call.















This is when you receive a confusing call.

















This is SMSing with a huge screen. Even people can peek from behind.
















This is what other phones can't do at the moment... isolate your confidential conversations.


















Of course it has to look stylish to the mall. How can anything be any cuter than this (the phone I mean, no comments on Aji please)?















Then there is the taking a picture pose...

















And there is the hands free look.

Ok it's not practical to bring I admit, but since when is fashion practical???

It was my birthday ... it was my birthday... and then... the bom?

I had my birthday a few days ago... it was my 29th. Not a shamed to say it... well, learning to not be ashamed about it hehehe...

I had a GREAT day! A midnight surprise party by my housemates, work was great cos I learned so much from our brilliant consultant, had a special guest star popping up, getting excellent prezzies, and of course the -dinner with friends- fiasco. What a day...

Before hand, phycologically, turns out to be pretty scary becoming 29. It really is a close number to 30. Didn't feel it when I turned 28! Coming in to 30 seems like coming to a different stage. It felt as if I have to be different then who ever I was. Had thoughts circling... if I'm almost 29, but I feel like and seems like I live my life the way I did when I was 22, is that a good thing or a bad thing? This was the depression side of the whole 29th birthday experience. Depressed because I have this believe that it shouldn't due to society preassure. But since I have great friends, they succeeded in erasing such feeling making me all happy and learning to be proud being 29. It is just a number... as they say.

But here comes the worst part after a great party... the morning after! Well it wasn't so the morning after because I didn't sleep that night and headed straight to Bandung for the election... but it's the right saying. It's the days after that... when things become usual. And after all that love bunddled up in one day, tomorrow is another day. The next day, even though hectic with work, I still came to my normal usual house. Although I enjoy my me time very much, it was such a drastic change to to the full of love birthday. So this is the morning after they talk about. Ah well... I guess the worst part is what makes us wait at the edge of our seats for the next party event!

This was my birthday outfit. Dress code (which no body else wore): catholic school girl. I am trully 19 at heart :)

Want to comment about the bombing... I still have mixed emotions and thoughts about it... can't make a straight opinion about it like everyone else... how I wish I could! I'll pend it for a moment

Hoping that I invested well...

As the election came in the month of July 2009, the country became festive. It's no different to when the soccer season is here. People with banners, posters, and aqua bottles filled with rocks, decorate every candidate debate when open for public. I love it! People happy and full of hope!

I guess this is the reason I chose to use my vote this year. And it's no ordinary vote... it's my most expensive vote to date.



I got my ass down to Bandung just to make a small tick to the one I have faith in achieving a bit of the country's well being. I don't really care who wins actually.. I just have hope that I my vote increase the possibility of this person to help us develop our beloved country. Now how melancholic is that?

But who did I trust... ah... as I said to my boss when he asked me this...

"Let's just say, I'm a girl, that is Bugis, and born and raised in Jawa". So who do you think I voted for?

Offspring

I get mad like dad

I have a great sense of humor like mum

I haggle like mum

I have mums hair

I sometimes don't think much when spending on quality items like dad

I don't fuss about spending for the unfortunate like dad

I'm as loud as mum sometimes

My skin is like dad

My arabic look (some say) is from mum

I think like dad

When I don't think as much, I'm like mum

I nag as much as my mum sometimes

I'm patient as dad

I travel like mum

I work like dad

I watch tv like dad

I prance around like mum

I shop like my dad

I gossip like mum

I go out from the bathroom after a a shower like mum

That's all I can think off...

I do love my mum and dad!

The Worst to date

It's final. The worst drivers to date are those in Surabaya!!!

Currently...

I'm currently on the road around Jawa. A so called road trip actually. Making a few stops in some of the cities that is on my "to do list". In any typical case, it would be an easy thing to do... but not with Puspita, the VW Combi that me and my friends bought last year. The thing is, it was an old cheap VW to start with. Only about 6 million rups. But we fixed it, and now we're showing her the island. And it's not very fast and there is no air con or sound system either than the engine so... it's a challenge itself.



The thing that I wanted to remind myself about this road trip or any I guess is not primary about what you're going to see or the destination, it really about the trip itself, what you really see about where you are, the small things you realize, for me it's really about knowing what this island is all about, and of course getting to know more about the people you travel with and the the people you meet on the road.

So no stories yet about the trip but... I can tell you right now, this country has never seize to amaze me. Every corner is amusing and even for my friend Sally, which has been here and there in Jawa, there is always something new around the corner.

But then again I'm easily amused.

In Lyrics I Communcate

I'm not much of a poem person. I don't really understand it much. The words can tangle too much, they mean too much, I just can't grasp it. But I can take them a sentance or two, one at a time... I take them as quotes.

But what I do know about are lyrics of songs. I understand them more than poems. For me, lyrics are tales and messages, which actually talk to its listeners. They tell stories, experience, premenition, fantasies, and feelings. I guess this is what a poems says but I guess me no spreken any poem. People think lyrics are just words, but if you listen carefully, some songs have the utmost genius feeling to it. And the music actually help the message come through. One of my favorites lately is "I Am A Walrus" from the Beatles. I'm still wondering what it means incorporating to what they have felt when making such a song, and of course getting high. No body can write lyrics like that sober, please! I think everyone should try to get high once in a while and try to create someting... but that's another entry...

But as a person that appreciate lyrics as the soul of a song unless you are a true instrument player, I also believe that great lyrics don't always come from master of music. The pop genre has also created so many confortable meaning to our common life. One of my fav, which song I happen to come across lately is Staccie Orrico song "More To Life".

More To Life

I've got it all, but I feel so deprived
I go up, I come down and I'm emptier inside
Tell me what is this thing that I feel like I'm missing
And why can't I let it go

CHORUS:
There's gotta be more to life...
Than chasing down every temporary high to satisfy me
Cause the more that I'm...
Trippin' out thinkin' there must be more to life
Well it's life, but I'm sure... There's gotta be more

(Than wanting more)

I've got the time and I'm wasting it slowly
Here in this moment I'm half-way out the door
Onto the next thing, I'm searching for something that's missing

CHORUS

I'm wanting more

I'm always waiting on something other than this
Why am I feelin' like there's something I missed....



Language wise it's simple english, nothing fancy and speaks a common issue. I believe that there a lot of people feeling like this, trapped in a superficial life, the life race. And they don't really realize that they are trapped. It's songs like this that sometimes wake them up to their situation. And the genius thing about it is that it has a great pop jammin hook to it's song, so you can move to it but still realize something. I'm not feeling like this at the moment, I just thought I'd mention it since it's a great song. I had a moment like this one time in my past but I didn't wake up to this song.
Now, for the sake of pop, at the moment I'm a : "All I can do is read a book to stay awake, and it rips my world away but it's a great escape" -No Rain, Blind Melon.

I love to discuss lyrics of songs, so if you have something to discuss about, like I am a Walrus, and you understand what it means, PM me, and we'll talk.

ps: Sally once asked me, why do people write lyrics on their blog? While they can search it themselves online. I say, if there is a good point in something, let people have less effort so they have more effort listening to that point you have.

A typical entry... a broken heart

I had a broken heart lately...

Thought I should make a note of it.

It's so hard being a girl and having a broken heart. It's so emotional, exhausting, and makes me nauseas. I wish I could make it more logical than emotional, but I can't... it's a girl thing.
Never been a guy so I wouldn't know what a guy thing is anyways. A girl thing is believing that there is a reason why things happen. It's also crying, reminiscing, sulking in bed for a few days, eating treats, and rambling what they feel on to friends.
I try to be logic, believe me! But sometimes there is an urgency of selfishness and logic becomes illogical. But life is driven by feelings anyways, if it was driven by logic there wouldn't be any uncertainty and chaos.

It's a classic case and I experience it in a classic way. I am a classical, probably conventional, girl. All the cliches are right, all the sayings are true... but one thing is interesting.

I've often hear people regret loving someone. Many love songs tell it so. They would rather never met the person that broke their heart than having thier heart shattered in the first place.

Now, this pain is awful and I so wish it would go away, but I have never regretted days I spent with the guy I was with. There was so many good memories and also bad but more good, and it filled my days with happiness and laughter and sorrow. And it made my life colorful. Why would I ever regret it to ever happen? Sure it's painful, but pain is part of life's game right?
Cases can range to just a simple heart broken like me, to cases of abused victims and fraud of wealth, so probably there are cases of regret when one is broken hearted. So would the case be... how heartless can someone be to break another heart so bad?

Do people that regret, never had happy moments? Or do they just forget and focus plus sulk in their misery? But if they never had any happy moments, how can they have a broken heart? Or could they merely had broken expectations?

Is a broken heart actually broken expectations? Is love a manifest of expectations and is never quite sincere? I still believe love is sincere with hope and not force of being love, and I don't categorize that as insincere, it's human.

But so be it, I guess people go through it once in their lifetime. I hope this is the only experience for me. Even if I do get my heart broken again in the future (knock on wood!), I hope I never regret the past of it.

Until the day I fall in love... :)

The Single Working Woman

I’ve been thinking about the single working woman lately. For the moment, I think there are 2 kinds of working women in Indonesia.

The first is the ambitious working single women. They have goals in their lives; they know what they want, why they want it, how to get it, and they will pursue it. I actually think that women that don’t work but are focused in getting married, having a perfect wedding, and dedicate their life for the home they intend to build, is included in this category. They can be very ambitious too you know hehehe….
The second kind is the women that work because they have to fill in their time or they just have to make a living and stop asking for money from whoever that have been their financial supporters so far.
I’m more to the second kind. I work because I can’t ask for more money from my parents. They have been so kindly supporting me up to a quarter of a decade, and even to continue tertiary education. Now after that much, I can’t possibly ask for more money for myself. Not even ask money to pamper and beautify myself to find a guy.

People mistake that a lot of me. They think that I work because I have an ambition and forget to provide that slot in my life. The fact is, I’m not so ambitious, but I have a corridor that I’d like to keep. I want to get married. I have a plan to work at home to take care of my kids. I was brought up with my mom always around, and I think it’s important to know the steps of your children’s lives. And I haven’t found the guy I need and want to marry. Thus, I work to support me and my perks. I like to work in environment and everything to do with it, at the moment the offer is in mining which forces me to work in remote isolated places. It’s as simple as that.
Why not look for another job? I like my job now, and I can’t really find another job just because I want to find my soul mate. It’s a bit mis for my logic.

Now I know men have a different ego. But I think I can say that they can fall in to these two categories too.

And by the way, besides watching the tube, listening to music, hang out with friends, playing with the internet and all the primary activities, there’s nothing else to do. So, might as well work. What type are you?

Apparently...

It's not about the much laughs I have with my friends... it was my love for the sea.
It's not about having more... it's about the fresh open air and jeans.
It wasn't because of new faces... it was about the familiar love.
It wasn't about a shiny new laptop... it was about pirated DVDs.
It wasn't about bitter sweet... it was about passing time.
It wasn't love at first impression... it was the comfort of strums and afternoon breeze.
It wasn't the dissimilarities of languange... it was the misperception.
It wasn't sad... it was disappointment.
It wasn't you... it was probably me.


(Having fun with the shrimp behind the rock)

Harden the Fuck Up!

Pic: thedailyexplorer.wordpress.com

I saw a goat got slaughtered a few days ago in the back of the company kitchen. It was still twitching after the kitchen staff cut open it's throat. Mind you, the picture wasn't the goat I saw, stole it from somebody's page. But it looks close enough.

The day that goat was slaughter, me and my friends were just watching. It came to mind that not a lot people have the stomach to watch a slaughtering these days. Most of my friends can't, and they're guys even (not to be sexist but guys claim to have the 'balls').

The thing is, sometimes I can't stand it if someone can't seem to see slaughtering, but loves to eat meat. It's illogical for me. I can understand vegetarians, but spoiled brats that love steaks and burgers but gets sick with the thought of an animal dying is just... wrong. It's spoiled.

There is a point to be able to see an animal die.... cause that is how much your burger, steak, chicken wings, and fillet cost. A dying of a creature. Thus we should NEVER waste food! So harden the fuck up and see slaughtering and realize your food cost more then a few thousands of rupiahs or dollars.

The Changes Behind Them...

It's funny seeing this picture. It's Piki and Indahs wedding. Good friends of mine that grew apart (from me) due to reality.... time and space. What's more real than that?

Besides them, are also my friends. Friends I knew back in college. Some already have kids, some have more cheeks, some look the same. In some sense... looking at them in this picture, seems like nothing has change, only the two are wearing wedding clothes ... but knowing where they are now, and knowing a glimpse about their live... we've definitely have changed. Maybe I have to change and make a Facebook account to see more of the pictures since Friendster is outdated already :P

Change is good. I'm looking for my next change...

-Thanks for the pictures Moek, it was a treat!-

By the way, congratulation Piki and Indah! I'm soooooo happy for you guys.

My Feet and Their Fav Buds

When it comes to feet, I tend to be picky with shoes. Ok... fair enough, I'm picky with everything! But I cherish quality more then quantity, and there is nothing wrong with that people!!! Especially when it has to support your whole body all day. But back to the topic... I have had some interesting shoes lately, basically because I'm picky. And I'm not saying that I have great taste... but I do like my taste and my feet love the buddies I pick for them :D

These are my feet fav buddies so far. Why you ask?


Well I'm currently working at a mine and walking is like rice to the Indonesian dish. I do it so often on rocky terrains or in the woods. Since I'm darn city girl, I have the stamina of a princess. So sometimes, I've only walked have the distance and I'm already bathing in sweat! And once that exhaustion kicks in, then the feet ain't lifting.
I tend to drag em, and that is a bad idea in such areas. Now this is where my love of these boots come in... they have STEEL CAPS, so whenever I bump my feet in to a rock or tree root, (or in the office for that matter) I don't hurt my toes. I do it all the time. I'm known for it! I wish I could wear them at home every time I get in to a quarrel with my mom which usually ends with a sore toe. God does teach fast! Hehehehe...

The brown ones look great in the field and paired with denims and a colorful shirt. And even looks HOT when I roll my jeans up. They catch up the Doc Mart look.

The yellow ones? How could you not love gummies (gumboots)? They give a great cool sensation when dipped in water, with my feet in them of course. I heart playing in water with them. I become a true kid again. No wonder I never grew up! Hahahaha...
Did I mention their cute yellow with scotchlite on em? Wuf em Wuf em!

The flaws of these shoes? They are also the cause of my trips... they're darn heavy. Hehehe... can't win em all with limited budget. If they weren't so heavy, I'll wear the gummies on any rainy floody day in Jakarta. They're awsome!



...on that note ... out of all, I think my feet looks better barefoot. I have always thought that women walking barefoot ANYWHERE is sexy. It's as seem that the women is truly connected to mother earth when they are sole less and then their natural side come out. Forget the gummies, if the streets of Jakarta were clean and tidy, I'd barefoot once in a while. So I can feel sexy for myself and for my two adorable feet.

The Jason Mraz hype...

There is this whole hype of Jason Mraz and his single "I'm Yours" lately. A few weeks ago, I've even heard it on a junior high school kid cellphone in a town at west Sumatera, a so-so remote area. Now keep your pants on cos I'm not goin to bash it up. I've declared to be a fan of this pop artis that is to play in a jazz gig in Jakarta soon. (Sorry, I consider him pop even though I truely believe he can jam)

My entry here is spesifically to talk about my fav song on this album, "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things". I know that pop culture forces the listeners towards the single that is promoted, and there is a slight chance that the listners, especially those in Indonesia wouldn't even apreciate the whole album. But Jason Mraz is worth the listen. My fav single is "Love for a Child". For the sake of apreciation, here are the lyrics (I've bolded the parts I think are the strong parts):

"Love For A Child"

There's a picture on my kitchen wall
Looks like Jesus and his friends involved
There's a party getting started in the yard
There's a couple getting steamy in the car parked in the drive
Was I too young to see this with my eyes?

By the pool last night, apparently
The chemicals weren't mixed properly
You hit your head and then forgot your name
And then you woke up at the bottom by the drain
And now your altitude and memory's a shame

What about taking this empty cup and filling it up
With a little bit more of innocence
I haven't had enough, it's probably because when you're young
It's okay to be easily ignored
I like to believe it was all about love for a child

And when the house was left in shambles
Who was there to handle all the broken bits of glass
Was it mom who put my dad out on his ass or the other way around
Well I'm far too old to care about that now

It's kinda nice to work the floor since the divorce
I've been enjoying both my Christmases and my birthday cakes
And taking drugs and making love at far too young an age
And they never check to see my grades
What a fool I'd be to start complaining now

It was all about love...


Why love it? It's a story about a normal kid, that I imagine lives in the states. It's a typical cases of growing up. But I love how he pleeds for a little bit of innocence. For me, it's a sign that our community less treasure innocence and building hapiness. Don't get me wrong, I still think we do, but most of us have step in to a more instant view. But let's not talk about that. Not to mention that he has already grown up and he still feels a bit empty about it. But too late to complain now.
Now I don't know if this is actually his life experience, but I have to raise a glass for his story telling. No complicated words like the other songs, just a blunt story.
I also love the balad tone of it, and how its music is quite dynamic. As somebody that usually sings in the shower or just sing with a pitch control problem, I enjoy singing it sooo much. I enjoy singing it from the heart. I feel it a little bit becaues I can only assume that it's a story of many middle class Indonesian kids that never understand the love westerners show to their children. Many of us were never even hugged or kiss before the childern inisiated, or even when we grew up already. So I heart this song.

Another thing that I discovered is turns out that I'm a sucker for guys in a plain body fit T-shirt, jeans, sneakers, can sing and play the guitar with a lotta soul. It really doesn't take much to take my heart :)

Note to self:
I'm listening to Jason Mraz right now because I need to. He has a feel good music that is very positive. The energy that I need at the moment. To live high, live mighty, live righteously (Live High). JM has helped me a bit in this lag of my life.

And the angels would be sing alalala.. alalala... alalalala love this *raising hands in the air and jumping up and down like an idiot :P*

New years resolution

My new new years resolution is... Not to have a new years resolution. I've always thought that new years is just yesterday becoming today, or today becoming tomorrow so... and I don't know what a resolution is.

I did have a new years resolution. Not to have expectations. But I think since I said it as a resolution, I tend to build it up and think about it and hence having bigger expectations to everything. So I changed it today.

I've always had one anyways which never mattered in the end.

So this year... no resolutions. Just daydreams and wantings.

And I'm very happy with my resolution :)

Happy 2009 everyone!