It's my sci fi life

While others enjoyed it, I fell in to a slight depressed state after watching AVATAR.
Yeah sure, I also did the "Uuww"s and "Aahhww"s! But that's not something new, and there is nothing I can add more to this side of the story either than it is a totally recommended movie to all.

Now here is my point on my depression.
Remember that job I was offered, and didn't want, and kinda want again? Well I got accepted. Now I am on the verge of thinking should I leave Wetar or not. A lot of my colleagues think it's a waste of time to think about this, there should be no doubt that I should move. But...

I've been trying to compare both jobs constantly, also been seeking for mere unimportant signs, and praying for an answer to the Al Mighty. But I have yet made a firm decision. For those that don't understand my confusion, Avatar might help you.

Avatar is about mining (or corporations, what ever scale it may be) and I happen to work in it. And as harsh as the movie pictures mining to be it, the reality is as real as it is! All from the money digging corporate, all the way to the native surviving locals. Everything you see is real! IT'S REAL PEOPLE! You think it's sci fi? It's not! It's real. Just because the Na'vi (which maybe is derived from the word native???) are blue, doesn't mean they don't represent another race of humans! Through my eyes, there is nothing sci fi about the movie :(

So what has it got to do with my new job offer and my slight depression? Let's make it short:

1. This new job offer, it's coal. Now coal has a reputation for taking up a LOT of area for production. This is also due to the characteristic of coal that exist in mass volumes. Mass murder as greenies would say, and to the ecological world, that's just plain harsh! When you see people evicted in slum areas, opening up large amount of forest at once is similar. I'm not saying that animals and plants are the same as middle lower class, but they both have no saying in the process. It's a mass wipe out. Just like in the movie, a lot of species die. While mineral mining still have a choice because it's a waste of money to do the unnecessary work thus, opening just enough land for production.

2. The corporate people are describe to be so cold hearted to kill the natives. The reality is, although probably not in Wetar, but a lot of mines (and may I add, a lot of other industries considering a lot of land such as logging, plantations etc) do 'smoke' out the native people. Guns are a choice of weapon. It sounds really cruel, and it is. But considering our lifestyle and the needs we have today, somebody has got to do it.
It's pragmatically unfair that some people really have to be the front line for other people's luxury. For the money? Sure! But it doesn't mean there is no other sacrifices. They have to deal with the remoteness, the limited circumstances, far from their loved ones, the naive natives that want to live on their own land, and deal with the horror look on the natives face once they are evicted by force. They have to do it.
And probably, by the end of the day, or the movie, some people would curse mining and these people in the front line. No matter what they have to go through, no matter how many mouths they have to feed, and no matter how much threat they have to deny. It's pragmatically unfair that miners are cursed. Which comes to the last point:

3. People just watch the movie, even text messaging and making calls during it! It's just a cool movie to watch for them. After that... they go home. They probably would discuss about it, again cursing mining and what they do, and then do their daily lives the next second. So?
God knows why people don't realize that this is happening to day. Mining and all it's crap is happening. It will always be happening because of one simple thing... demand! (Some would say to spin the wheel of economy but poteto potahto) As said in the movie, 1 kg Unobotanium (is it?) cost 20 billion dollars. People somewhere on earth wants it bad! Same to all minerals and oil and gas today. There is a high demand for it.
When it comes down to... what are we (as in me and you, and everyone else) using in our daily lives that is so important to create such war in paradise? What? A question that you and I should ask ourselves. Is it all worth it? If it is... then take the consequences, and don't be blind and simply blame others.

I'm just another person talking crap about the environment.. I hope I never stop talking about it, since many have stopped caring.

I need fogiveness

I can't think anymore today since about 3 o'clock.

I truly realized now that I am working in a serious business. I've learned the magnitude of my job and the risks involving the mining environment.

It' slapped me in the face this afternoon, but it just started to burned now.

I risked someones life today and I shouldn't take things so lightly.

And I will always have a restless heart until I apologize personally to him.

Interrogated and psychologically tested

I just had another job interview a few weeks back. It was a strange experience I tell you. I actually declined the job at first, thinking I still owe a project to the company I'm currently working with. But my ex boss who offered said that I will always owe something to the company I'm working with. True! So, I submitted my resume, thinking there are a lot more candidates qualified for the job. None the less, I got called in to do an interview.

Usually I prepare myself as charming as possible when attending an interview, not to mention all dressed up and stuff. But this time, I really didn't have the urge to. I wore something that I usually would wear to work, and trust me it's not you everyday work ensemble. I didn't want to nail the job as much as I want it if it were mine. You know what I mean right?

So there I was, pinning up my bag since it broke when I tried to get there. At the point where my bag broke, I lost all ego and let my hair down. I goofed off with the tukang ojeg, I kid around with the door guard, had philosophical talks with a warung owner, but still didn't like the office receptionists. I entered the so called fancy green simplicity decor office and felt intimidated. I became nervous realizing that I was going to meet corporate people which I usually do not like their judgement and tend to be stiff. I'm so use to small companies and small families that are made within them. I was alarmed by the possibility of facing a rejection that can hurt my ego for the next few days.

I sat there filling an application form as any fresh graduate would do. I thought... WTH??? When can I be signed without all this mumbo jumbo? It ached more when I realized that I had to sit there and wait another 30 minutes. Feeling that all of this is a bunch of crap, I lost respect for the company. I thought, who needs who here? I'm not lookin for a job, but they're looking for an officer. So I gained back confidence and didn't care everytime the receptionist girl glanced my way with a sneer... hehehehe yes I'm exaggerating. But I'm no conflict seeker, so I sat there and waited, curious how long my wait will be. Surprisingly, my confidence dropped again seeing there were 3 people interviewing me. I felt ambushed.

They put me on the stand and started to ask me questions. I answered them as neccesary as possible, not as charming as I usually try to. Intimidated again, reminded that interviews are sometimes like interrogations. After being asked a few questions, I found their slot. Two of these men were field workers and no matter what they will always hate the boring predictable un-confident answers. So I loosen up, becoming me that works in the field. Again, this was easy considering I was half hearted to take the job anyways, I had nothing to loose. And from this point on, everything was OK. I didn't feel like they were any superior, just people, and we had a few laughs.

After that I didn't really care what happen next, may I be called back or not. But I tell you, an interview this far in the business feels strange even though I have such minimum experience... or maybe is it, an interview in this age feels strange??? Whatever it was, it was wierd because I felt so superior in my own company, I thought I knew it all! When in fact I knew shit outside of the company. It must be even stranger for guys that have more experience to still be interviewed.

I long for the day I will be hired without an interview. Where I will be so good at what I do, people would be line to hijack me. Wait... there's a call... I have to do a psychological test? &^**&&^%$$#%#$%

I started to fill in the test the way they wanted me to fill it. These tests have a formula, and we all know it right? But by the 3rd question I gave up. It was too hard to keep up what they wanted so I filled it carelessly.

I felt psychologically violated in this test. I was asked whom I was and what I prefer. I hated the moral test. It's such a dilema. The most hated question was... "chose one: suck up to the boss, or be weak only be accepted with you collegues". This question came up about 5 times and I swear it gave me the hardest time evertime I came across it. First shot I tried to answered (again) according to HRD demands, but once I found the question the next time, I suddenly took it seriously and started to compare my boss and my peers... guess what I answered?!
I finally realized that I wasn't happy with this question and wished there was a third option. Life can not be categorized as a psychological test where answers are not as sharp as a cookie cutter, although problems are as cut throat as it is. I loved all the math and drawing questions. But don't give me the moral test, I don't have the heart.

I felt that flunk by the time I finished the test. I realize that I have changed in the past years work wise, and I have passed the test and interview differently as I would a few years back. So did I get the job or not? We would have to see... I haven't had a call back yet. But if not, I'm good, for I finished this entry in the hills of Wetar Island, while downloading from the weather station, amongst the sounds of birds singing, the drilling gear, and the mist of humid soil after a light rain. Not to mention feeling superior in this small company.


21 Dec 2009:

I've had some things come on to mind and ... some things happening ever since I blogged this (which isn't that long a go)... I've changed my mind. Maybe I want that job offer :P

How sci-fi queers and answers on match make in heaven

I've been very open to meet single guys lately, none other reason than to seek my spouse to be. It's getting a bit boring living single all the time you know... anyways! Just trying to open up opportunities ... and so far... none have succeeded.

I can't help but wonder, if there are so many great single guys and gals around me, and still within my closest circle, why can't they match up? Or should I match them up? Why am I not matched up? If they do match, shouldn't the universe do that without my help?

What does this mean?

Are we, single guys and gals, all just broken locks and keys to heart aches and principles? Will we ever meet our match? Unless, the broken locks meet the broken key so specifically that their cracks match perfectly? Are we so broken that we need more effort to find 'the one'? As the movie "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy" would imply... the question to be answered by the ultimate answer to all question about life, universe, and everything is ... Is she/he the one? (Love the movie by the way!)


When people get divorce, would that mean that they add another crack in their lock and key, or are they so broken they can open up any lock?

Or is the ultimate answer to all question about life, universe, and everything is again answerd by the sci-fi movie "The Matrix"? By answering.... 'Because I choose to'?

A mystery, it remains!

Happy Hands and Feet

Twas the 30th of October 2009,
and a big was about to happen that night.
After work through the dreaded jam,
between the hustle bustle and screwed up things,
ambiance wasn't what was to seek,
but the act of Slank and the Ting Tings.

A little yucky poem to open up my entry about dancing.
There I was, ready to watch one of the best new artist around... The Ting Tings. A bonus, I might add, was the Slank charity concert before it. I've never watched them live before. There is no doubt in my mind, SLANK CURRENTLY IS THE BEST BAND IN INDONESIA!!! Their music is HOT and so is their performance, no matter how much false teeth they have all together hehehehe...


Anyways... standing at the tribune, all piled up somewhere near the stairs, me and my friends (Vira and Leci) awaits these new comers. I was really curious if they were 2 people and whether thet had additional players...They didn't. Seeing them rock (yes, I think they rock in the lifestyle definition even) on stage, kinda made me imagine where they came from. I bet you they started somewhere in the basement or garage and had this musical vision that no one else shared. They struggled from bar to bar or online until one day a producer discovered them. I guess they usually hang out with their usual friends, people like you and me, and how their friends always support them through every gig. They would be just slightly odd compared to their compadres, but it's so subtle that you would notice until you talk to them. And in parties and gigs, they would be dancing!

Photo courtesy of Vira

By the time they started the 3rd song, the area around me started to loosen. I think the girl besides me felt so annoyed by my ridiculous over the top dancing (compared to most Indonesians) and my super screams in her ear. I can tell because every time I did something, she would smirk at me and say something to her friend... ah well, more room for me :D! So once these (I think) high school girls ran away from me... all hell break loose! Now again, I'm 29 and proud to say so, and I'm dancing like a 13 year old. Why?

1. I LOVE DANCING!!! LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!!!
2. There's room
3. Concerts are celebration of music
4. It's high appreciation towards the performer (and appropriate for this particular performer to be exact)
5. The lights are dim and I probably don't know these people anyways...

Now here comes my point. I have concluded that I am disappointed in the Jakarta crowd when it comes to enjoying music. I come from Bandung, a city that is drowned by music appreciators, and I can only say that Jakarta's crowd is not as enthusiast as the Bandung scene. Bandung people dance! Now I don't know if Jakarta people don't know how to move, or they didn't know much about the band, or they think their outfit, their age, or their prestige is too precious, but the gestures seems to be too homogenize for a city with such diverse people.

As people that claim to be highly educated, too bad they've never learned anything about performing. When performing, it's thrilling when you know your audience is enjoying your act and showing it. It could be in various gestures: applause, standing ovation, head banging, toe tapping, or like me, dancing way crazy. To make things shorted, I believe the Ting Tings would love to see their crowd dance. How would I know? BECAUSE THEY CONSTANTLY ASKS US TOO. And for that, and point numero uno, I did! I don't know what y'all elite people think about it but this is my appreciation towards this struggling band. Even Katie (the girl) constantly moved through her songs, and she never ever ever stopped. Unlike some of us that was too proud.

Keep up, falling, these heels they keep me boring
Getting glammed up and sitting on the fence no
-That's not my name, The Ting Tings-

It sad to think that the Ting Tings had to perform infront of an uptight corporate socialite crowd, and it's ironic that their lyrics actually critique their audience. 3/4 way of the show people around us started to dance. Yes, better late than never, but too bad because I think they missed out on a great opportunity to be foolish without being misplaced. I heart the Ting Tings. Please come back soon!!

I did peek in to the act of Tortured Soul. A loungy kinda sound. And some people were dancing... wait... they were foreigners and drunks... ah well better drunk that concious then hehehehe...

In the end, I will always choose to dance, no matter if I'm 29, 37, or 53 and dancing with my grandchildren (amin). Let it be in concerts, in my car, on site at a dodgy karaoke bar, with my friends, or just alone at home. Although I'm not that looney to dance in the streets alone, I'm not afraid to bob around to the music from my earphone.

But wait.... there is something that I realize while waving my hands around up in the air. I realize that my future boyfriend or husband hopefuly has a great appreciation towards music, thus to my dancing. Or he at least understands my point of view. He doesn't have to move like me but I hope he shows some appreciation towards the performer. And I will always understand whatever his choice of gesture may be, for at least he has the guts to stand beside me :D

Growth over night

I never knew how grown up I am.


I was on a trip one weekend and suddenly I see myself differently in the pictures taken. It was taken by a super cool camera, the kind that gives you sharp results. I saw that my face was no longer carefree no matter how hard I try. I was just older. Never thought that that day came... the day I admit that I'm older. Age is no longer just a change of number, it's droop of acceptance in my eye lids.

As I see myself, I see time, patience, acceptance, selfishness, tiredness, boredom, maturity, disturbance, ignorance, care, ... choices and choosing, consequences and plans and everything all mixed up.

Not trying to drag my friends down with me but, I can see that they have aged with me too. We've been friends for 10 years now, and our faces have definitely changed. Not all show the same change, it’s one way or the other.

And I’ve also come to realize this seeing other friends now. People that I see daily or even rarely. I thought it was a change only to those living in Jakarta. You know? …because of the stress. That’s not the case it seems. All of my friends have different faces now. We have all evolved.

So, I should be able to define old since I have defined it in myself and my friends (according to me that is). Being older I think is about experience and choices and how you face and deal with it. If I see myself as older now, that would probably mean that I have admitted to having more experience and I now am less ignorant of the implications it has to my life, I'm affected by it. Maybe I should consider it as mature, but honestly it’s something different. I see an older version of my face. But so be it. I’m older now. And hopefully I will grow old gracefully.

Too add to that, it’s been a while since we had a trip like this. Went to the gate of Gede-Pangrango National Park and crashed in the volunteer office there. A small bamboo weaved house with wooden floors. We came in about 12 am in the cold dark night, and just chit chat away then slowly snoozing to bed. Waking up to a fresh morning air, peed and brushed out teeth with super cold water (I didn’t mention bath hey? In defense, we were in a hurry), and with blasted dangdut music from the distance park. It was a deep sleep, even though it was on the floor, that I don’t really experience a lot in Jakarta. Then headed home caught in the open-closed gate system of Puncak. It ended in Naynay’s (Ninins niece) 3rd birthday party with some singing and dancing. All and all it was a night and day that wasn’t planned, required a lot of energy, but resulted in a really great weekend. It’s been a while since we did this, and I’m glad we did! For no matter how old we were, turns out we’re still not too old for the surprise of uncertain circumstances.

In the name of love for Indonesia's creation

Wore my Batik scarf as an obi.
My batik was from Pekalongan. The pattern was a modification of 'tambalan' pattern.
Still trying to be, as my friend Tari would put it, an 'eccentric wannabe'. Refuse to be the same as everyone hehehehe...
Almost everyone who I assume has internet access, wore Batik today. Plus those who are obliged to wear them (schools, offices, etc).

Does it really have to take another nation (Malaysia) to remind how precious our culture is? I heart this nation and all it's creation.

HAPPY BATIK DAY!

Will there ever be a happy Makassar weaving cloth day? (I wan't my root cultured creation to be loved by the whole country too)