Growth over night

I never knew how grown up I am.


I was on a trip one weekend and suddenly I see myself differently in the pictures taken. It was taken by a super cool camera, the kind that gives you sharp results. I saw that my face was no longer carefree no matter how hard I try. I was just older. Never thought that that day came... the day I admit that I'm older. Age is no longer just a change of number, it's droop of acceptance in my eye lids.

As I see myself, I see time, patience, acceptance, selfishness, tiredness, boredom, maturity, disturbance, ignorance, care, ... choices and choosing, consequences and plans and everything all mixed up.

Not trying to drag my friends down with me but, I can see that they have aged with me too. We've been friends for 10 years now, and our faces have definitely changed. Not all show the same change, it’s one way or the other.

And I’ve also come to realize this seeing other friends now. People that I see daily or even rarely. I thought it was a change only to those living in Jakarta. You know? …because of the stress. That’s not the case it seems. All of my friends have different faces now. We have all evolved.

So, I should be able to define old since I have defined it in myself and my friends (according to me that is). Being older I think is about experience and choices and how you face and deal with it. If I see myself as older now, that would probably mean that I have admitted to having more experience and I now am less ignorant of the implications it has to my life, I'm affected by it. Maybe I should consider it as mature, but honestly it’s something different. I see an older version of my face. But so be it. I’m older now. And hopefully I will grow old gracefully.

Too add to that, it’s been a while since we had a trip like this. Went to the gate of Gede-Pangrango National Park and crashed in the volunteer office there. A small bamboo weaved house with wooden floors. We came in about 12 am in the cold dark night, and just chit chat away then slowly snoozing to bed. Waking up to a fresh morning air, peed and brushed out teeth with super cold water (I didn’t mention bath hey? In defense, we were in a hurry), and with blasted dangdut music from the distance park. It was a deep sleep, even though it was on the floor, that I don’t really experience a lot in Jakarta. Then headed home caught in the open-closed gate system of Puncak. It ended in Naynay’s (Ninins niece) 3rd birthday party with some singing and dancing. All and all it was a night and day that wasn’t planned, required a lot of energy, but resulted in a really great weekend. It’s been a while since we did this, and I’m glad we did! For no matter how old we were, turns out we’re still not too old for the surprise of uncertain circumstances.

In the name of love for Indonesia's creation

Wore my Batik scarf as an obi.
My batik was from Pekalongan. The pattern was a modification of 'tambalan' pattern.
Still trying to be, as my friend Tari would put it, an 'eccentric wannabe'. Refuse to be the same as everyone hehehehe...
Almost everyone who I assume has internet access, wore Batik today. Plus those who are obliged to wear them (schools, offices, etc).

Does it really have to take another nation (Malaysia) to remind how precious our culture is? I heart this nation and all it's creation.

HAPPY BATIK DAY!

Will there ever be a happy Makassar weaving cloth day? (I wan't my root cultured creation to be loved by the whole country too)

I forgivr blogger.com

WTF? Why can't I publish my last blog? What's goin on? I put a lot of thought in to it and now I can't publish it. Ohgggrr... Good thing it's Idul Fitri... I forgive you blogger.com Huaaaaaaa :((

Feeling a little ambitiousless...

I think I dropped my edge somewhere... I seem to have lost it. I can feel how very much stable my life is and how it is becoming (again) fulfilled with superficial wanting. I think I have given up to the established world since I can just live through it without any substantial problems. Not that I want any, but I do miss some rush. I also miss ambitions, and as Sally analyzes it, the lack of any is caused by my steady life at the moment. There is nothing to fight for, or to be exact nothing that I want to fight for.

Yeah I have a job to do, but is so so at the moment. Yeah I’m still mad at countless issues and antics of the world, but I've failed to have a strong argument and vast outlook, thus succeeding in having such a narrow mind. Am I claiming to have an open mind in the past? Not necessarily, I would like to at least say I try to be. I think, this use to be one of my edges, being able to see another side of things than others.

I don’t appreciate too much music anymore, nor movies, nor books, nor news. I’ve become ignorant and lazy. I have forgotten how much money I wanted to access so many resources in the past. I’m trying to remember what I wanted while I was in college. Hmmff… I can't really figure out what to do with my money now other than to buy superficial things that does not better myself (well maybe better myself a bit, but physically), my spirituality, moreover the world. I think, when people reach this stage, the back door is to just donate money without actually thinking about a better solution or to think of the consequences of such donation?

One symptom that I realize of this loss is that I don't have anything to browse about. I have less curiosity. A whole world is at the tip of my fingers but I have nothing to seek. Even the effortless Facebook can’t help me here,… 5 minutes is enough. Isn't that just pathetic?

Why do I need an edge anyways? The edge makes me feel better. To some extent, it can also make me a selfish pig. But it’s this edge that I find satisfying answers which I can make peace to myself. And although many definitely wouldn’t consider it an edge… it’s definitely much ‘sharper’ than this bland state I’m in.

Have I become that person, who just works without a dream or ambition even for the next day? So established that there is nothing else to seek and that the world is a better place to live in (well it is anyways as I believe). I've seen so many examples around me so I guess it's a phase in life. But seeing the examples there is... some have failed to step out of it. Hiiiiiii... now that's scary... I hope I can get out of mine soon... I gotta find an ambition...

But I can tell you this, after 10 minutes of trying to remember one ambition, I finally found it. I envy those oriental parts of the world having boybands, making the local girls crazy about the native skin… and the biggest boyband to date… SUPER JUNIOR with 13 personals. Love their single and video "Sorry Sorry Sorry". Why can’t we make one? I still am a bit ambitious… may I even say obsessed to make a successful Indonesian boyband :D (now how would I do that?)

The different kind

I don't see myself as photogenic. I don't really see me as cute, pretty or beautiful in pictures even if I try. Sometimes I get good pics, most of the time not as hoped, ah well... So most of the time I make faces, because there is no point of making the same faces in each picture anyways... you don't see the ambiance of the moment.



But I do like the girl I see everyday in the mirror. Not so in the morning, because for some reason my eyes can't seem to have that morning freshness. I definitely am a nocturnal being. Coming back to what I was saying... no matter how ugly I make faces in the mirror, I like what I see. Thank God, I can accept it and I'm very happy with what I got. Yeah there are the occasional zits, sun burns, and bad hair days, but overall that don't bother me THAT much.

Now working in the east part of Indonesia shows me much about what beauty is about. You really see different characters of faces, and what people try to look like. The east Indonesia is dominated by Melanesian African looks. And for these people, they were born like this, and they can't help them selves. So very different especially with the west of Indonesia being more melanesian oriental look. Sometimes honestly, I see them as ugly, and pity comes in. And at these moments I ask my self why do I think they're ugly and why do I pity them? It's not like they have a choice to be born as such. What would I want them to look like? Pleasant looking? What's that? .... desperate need of a reality check here!!!






From top to bottom: Benzelina and her mom, a little local girl, Maskur, wife of Paa, Charles, Amas and Carlos. Amas and Maskur are siblings. Aren't they so good looking? ;P

Lately, after seeing so many eastern friends, due to the festive nature of our upcoming Independence day, I realize that I can't see them as ugly; and I musn't. Looking closer, I could see how good looking these people are. The girls are exotic and the guys are handsomely raw. Just different. I can see that with the characteristics they have, they can be beautiful as hell in their own way.
I remember when I was in Sydney. Looking at so much Caucasians made me realize, there is no way Indonesian beauty or what ever that maybe, can be compared to Caucasian beauty. They are just made to be delicate! Light skin, blue/green eyes, with features that you just can't beat. And most of them are just good looking even though if they are considerate as moderate. I've come to realize that I too was consumed by western beauty as a standard. And that pageants are just absurd when it comes to comparing beauty standard... hence Miss Indonesia that can not speak Indonesia nor does she know much about Indonesia *sigh*.

This is where globalization becomes very scary. People just wanna be beautiful with different understanding, I dare not say miss for who am I to judge what is missed and what is not. There are countless locals with bonded hair, facial power 3 tones lighter than their skin tone, which is a no no, and fashion worn that does not flatter their body shapes. But it's their choice, I respect that. I just hoped there will be more awareness towards this. I guess the Caucasian beauty rules the urban world at the moment, but hopefully there will come a time where all beauty is appreciated as the Benetton add. We are just different! To this I salute Benetton.



I also realize another point of what traveling is all about. It's seeing more things, understand how mailable the world is. I don't know if we should have more tolerance or not?! But we should have more respect for different conditions and different decisions that people make. Without traveling and seeing these difference, we become more narrow minded. And I advice anyone to just take a step to a direction that you have never have before.

But of course, some have their own 'personal standards' which they tend to keep hehehe... HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!



PS: on this note I would like to salute to Gelar, my friend here hired to teach English and reading. He has seen more since he is amongst the locals. He speaks their language and understands a their jokes. And he definitely understands the people more no matter what his personal opinion is towards them.

When you're really creative...

Me and Aji was just sitting around the house one night and he happen to have a great idea... What if phones was the shape of a mini rice cooker? Wouldn't that be sooo cute? Don't believe me?


This is when you receive a phone call.















This is when you receive a confusing call.

















This is SMSing with a huge screen. Even people can peek from behind.
















This is what other phones can't do at the moment... isolate your confidential conversations.


















Of course it has to look stylish to the mall. How can anything be any cuter than this (the phone I mean, no comments on Aji please)?















Then there is the taking a picture pose...

















And there is the hands free look.

Ok it's not practical to bring I admit, but since when is fashion practical???

It was my birthday ... it was my birthday... and then... the bom?

I had my birthday a few days ago... it was my 29th. Not a shamed to say it... well, learning to not be ashamed about it hehehe...

I had a GREAT day! A midnight surprise party by my housemates, work was great cos I learned so much from our brilliant consultant, had a special guest star popping up, getting excellent prezzies, and of course the -dinner with friends- fiasco. What a day...

Before hand, phycologically, turns out to be pretty scary becoming 29. It really is a close number to 30. Didn't feel it when I turned 28! Coming in to 30 seems like coming to a different stage. It felt as if I have to be different then who ever I was. Had thoughts circling... if I'm almost 29, but I feel like and seems like I live my life the way I did when I was 22, is that a good thing or a bad thing? This was the depression side of the whole 29th birthday experience. Depressed because I have this believe that it shouldn't due to society preassure. But since I have great friends, they succeeded in erasing such feeling making me all happy and learning to be proud being 29. It is just a number... as they say.

But here comes the worst part after a great party... the morning after! Well it wasn't so the morning after because I didn't sleep that night and headed straight to Bandung for the election... but it's the right saying. It's the days after that... when things become usual. And after all that love bunddled up in one day, tomorrow is another day. The next day, even though hectic with work, I still came to my normal usual house. Although I enjoy my me time very much, it was such a drastic change to to the full of love birthday. So this is the morning after they talk about. Ah well... I guess the worst part is what makes us wait at the edge of our seats for the next party event!

This was my birthday outfit. Dress code (which no body else wore): catholic school girl. I am trully 19 at heart :)

Want to comment about the bombing... I still have mixed emotions and thoughts about it... can't make a straight opinion about it like everyone else... how I wish I could! I'll pend it for a moment